The soldiers had been marching and fighting, they were dirty, hot andtired. One day, the general announced: "My men, I have some good newsand some bad news for you. Which one would you like first?"
"The good news!" they all shouted.
"OK," said the General. "The good news is that you will each be receivinga complete change of clothing."
"Hurrah!" chorused the soldiers.
"And now for the bad news. Jack, you will change with John. John, youwill change with Tom. Tom, you will change with Robert. Robert ....
譯： 好消息和壞消息
士兵們連續的行軍，作戰，他們又累又熱又臟。壹天，將軍宣布：“士兵們，我有壹些好消息和壞消息要告訴妳們。妳們願意先聽哪個呢？”
“好消息！”他們嚷道。
“好吧，”將軍說，“好消息就是妳們每個人都可以徹底的換壹身衣服。”
“烏拉！”士兵們高興地大叫起來。
“現在呢，該是壞消息了。傑克，妳將和約翰換衣服，約翰，妳和湯姆換，湯姆，妳和羅伯特換，羅伯特……”
[幽默]-what miles on The Car?
A blonde（金發女郎） and a brunette（黑人婦女） were talking, and the blonde was very stressed. The brunette asked her what was the matter. The blonde proceeded to tell her that she really needed to sell her car, but no one would buy because it has 100,000 miles on it.
The brunette said to her, "I know a way that will help you sell it. I have a friend who can help you, but it's illegal."
The blonde said, " I'll do anything."So the brunette gave the blonde the phone number of a guy who could turn back the odometer on her car. A week later the blonde and the brunette crossed paths, and the brunette asked the blonde if she had sold her car yet.
The blonde said, "Why would I sell a car with only 50,000 miles on it?!"
[幽默]- an Old Maid
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."
[幽默]-名演員的最後壹次機會
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.‘"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he‘s practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
[幽默]My Wife Will Exchange Them Tomorrow
A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.
"Cloth of leather?" asked the salesperson.
"Makes no difference, "replied customer.
"What color?" asked the clerk.
"Any," he responded.
"Size?"
"Give me whatever you prefer," the gentleman said, slightly exasperated. "My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them."
譯： 反正我太太明天會來換的
壹位先生走進壹家商店要買付手套。
“您是要布的還是皮的？”售貨員問。
“沒什麽區別。”這位顧客回答。
“那您要什麽顏色的呢？”售貨員又問。
“什麽顏色都成。”他回答。
“號碼呢？”
“您就隨便給我拿壹付吧，”這位顧客有點不耐煩了，“反正我 太太明天都會來換的。”
MY DAILY LIFE
Though my daily life is extremely monotonous, I try hard to adapt myself to it. Why? Because I intend to be a good student. I wish to render service to my country. I get up at six o’clock every day. After I wash my face and brush my teeth, I begin to review my lessons. I go to school at seven o’clock. After school is over, I return home. We usually have supper at seven o’clock. Then I begin to do my homework. I want to finish it before I go to bed.
雖然我的日常生活十分單調，但我卻竭力設法去適應它。為什麽？因為我打算做壹個好學生，希望將來為國家服務。 我每天六點起床、洗臉刷牙後，就開始復習功課，七點鐘我就去上學。 放學後，我就回家了。我們通常在七點鐘吃晚餐，之後我就開始做家庭作業，希望在睡覺前把它做完。
Extinction has become a catchword(時髦話).Every day entire species of plants and animals die out,and for the first time in history this is due to the actions of just one species:humans. We already know about five mass extinctions,and now a sixth seems to be under way.This one is different,because it is man-made.Deforestation(毀林）of the rain forests is just one aspect of the phenomenon.Most people may have heard about that,but few people know that most of the species existing in the rain forests have never been described by science.Often they die out before we ever know existed.Nobody can tell what treasures we lose,perhaps a cure for cancer or other modern-day diseases.
World-famous Harvard professor Edward O.Wilson examines life on our planet in his book The Diversity(多樣性)of life.He doesn't lecture his readers,but states in matter-of-fact way what is known about the Earth's past and the impact of mankind on its plant and animal life.Meanwhile,he suggests solutions for the present crisis.
If you are interested in the future of planet Earth and want to learn to see the bigger picture,this is the book for you.This is no night bedtime reading and will probably leave you feeling uneasy.However,it's important for people living in the 21st century to think about how we can pass at least part of this diversity on to our children. Recent research shows that Earth needs about 10 millon years to restore the lost species after a great crisis.Ten ,million years are not much in terms of the life of a planet,but the period is way too long for mankind. Wilson's book should help us to start a process of reconsideration.
Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
Too Polite
A woman who frequented a small antique shop rarely purchase anything, but always found fault with the merchandise and prices. The manager and her salesclerk took the woman's grumpy complaints in stride, but one day she went too far. "Why is it I never manage to get what I ask for in your shop?" demanded the woman.
A smile on her face, the clerk calmly replied, "Perhaps it's because we're too polite."
太有禮貌
壹名婦女經常光顧壹家小古董店，但幾乎從不買什麽東西，卻總是對商品和價格吹毛求疵。對於那婦女的粗暴抱怨，經理和她的銷售員總是應付了事，但是有壹天她做得太過分了。“為什麽妳們店裏總是不能得到我想要的東西？”那名婦女指責說。
職員臉上帶著微笑，沈著地回答道：“也許是因為我們太有禮貌了。”
Wings
The fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings. As I was about to lock the doors, a quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner. When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, "Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly."
翅 膀
壹天，我工作的炸雞店在關門前出現了壹陣搶購狂潮，結果除了雞翅外所有的東西都賣完了。當我正準備鎖門時，壹名喝醉了的旅客進來要進餐。我問他翅膀行不行，他從櫃臺上靠過身子來，回答道：“女士，我到這兒來是吃東西的，不是要飛！”
The Bear and the Two Travelers
TWO man were traveling together, when a Bear suddenly met them on their path.
One of them climbed up quickly into a tree and concealed himself in the branches. The other, seeing that he must be attacked, fell flat on the ground, and when the Bear came up and felt him with his snout, and smelt him all over, he held his breath, and feigned the appearance of death as much as he could.
The Bear soon left him, for it is said he will not touch a dead body. When he was quite gone, the other Traveler descended from the tree, and jocularly inquired of his friend what it was the Bear had whispered in his ear. "He gave me this advice," his companion replied. "Never travel with a friend who deserts you at the approach of danger."
Misfortune tests the sincerity of friends
A Nail Or A Fly?
An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.
So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.
Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
英語幽默故事
釘子還是蒼蠅？
壹位視力正在衰退的老紳士住進了壹家旅館的客房。他雙手各拿壹瓶酒。在墻上有只蒼蠅，他誤以為是枚釘子。他把兩只瓶子朝上壹掛，瓶子掉下來摔碎了，酒灑了壹地。壹個女服務員發現發生的事情以後，對他深表同情，決定幫他個忙。
於是，第二天早上他到樓頂花園散步時，她把壹枚釘子釘在了蒼蠅停過的地方。
這裏，老人回到了房裏。倒灑的酒味讓他想起了那件事。他擡頭往墻上壹看，蒼蠅又停在了那兒!他輕手輕腳地走近，使盡全力拍了壹掌。聽到壹聲大叫，好心的女服務員沖進房來。讓她大為吃驚的是，可憐的老頭正坐在地板上，牙關緊咬，右手滴血不止。
Is it far?
Ali, who was working a long way from home, wanted to send a letter to his wife, but he could neither read nor write, and he had to work all day, so he could only look for somebody to write his letter late at night. At last he found the house of a letter-writer whose name was Nasreddin.
Nasreddin was already in bed. 'It is late,' he said. 'What do you want?' 'I want you to write a letter to my wife,' said Ali. Nasreddin was not pleased. He thought for a few seconds and then said, 'Has the letter got to go far?'
'What does that matter?' answered Ali.
'Well, my writing is so strange that only I can read it, and if I have to travel a long way to read your letter to your wife, it will cost you a lot of money.'
Ali went away quickly.
why do you never phone me?
Mrs Harris lives in a small village. Her husband is dead, but she has one son. He is twenty-one and his name is Geoff. He worked in the shop in the village and lived with his mother, but then he got work in a town and went ant lived there. Its name was Greensea. It was quite a long way from his mother's village, and she was not happy about this, but Geoff said, "There isn't any good work for me in the country, Mother, and I can get a lot of money in Greensea and send you some every week."
Mrs Harris was very angry last Sunday. She got in a train and went to her son's house in Greensea. Then she said to him, "Geoff, why do you never phone me?"
Geoff laughed. "But, Mother", he said, "you haven't got a phone."
"No," she answered, "I haven't, but YOU'VE got one!"
The Ant and the Dove
An ant went to the bank of a river to quench its thirst, and being carried away by the rush of the stream, was on the point of drowning.
A Dove sitting on a tree overhanging the water plucked a leaf and let it fall into the stream close to her.
The Ant climbed onto it and floated in safety to the bank. Shortly afterwards a bird catcher came and stood under the tree, and laid his lime-twigs for the Dove, which sat in the branches. The Ant, perceiving his design, stung him in the foot. In pain the bird catcher threw down the twigs, and the noise made the Dove take wing.
One good turn deserves another
Mum:Mary,you must take off your beautiful sweater when you sleep.
Mary:I don't want to take it off.
Mum:Why?
Mary:Why doesn't the rooster take off its beautiful coat when it sleeps?
媽媽：瑪麗，妳睡覺時，壹定要把漂亮的毛衣脫下來。
瑪麗：我不想脫。
媽媽：為什麽呢？
瑪麗：大公雞睡覺時，怎麽不脫下它漂亮的外衣呢？
The Hare and the Tortoise
H: Good morning, Mr. Tortoise.
T: Oh, it's you, Mr. Hare. Good morning!
H: What are you doing?
T: I'm running.
H: Running? Ha ha ha!
Can you run? Your legs are too short!
T: Of course I can.
H: My legs are long. I can run faster than you.
T: Don't be so sure.
H: Well then. Let's run to the tall tree over there. Let's see who can get there first.
T: All right. Ready? Go!
Storyteller: Tortoise goes very slowly. But Mr. Hare runs very fast. Soon he comes to a small tree.
H: Where is Mr. Tortoise? Aha! There he is. He's far behind me. How slow he is! Mmm, it's so hot! Here is a tree. I'll have a short sleep first.
T: Oh, hi is sleeping under the tree there. But I can't stop. I must go on.
H: Ah! What a nice sleep! Let me go on. Oh, where's Mr. Tortoise? Where is he now? I must hurry.
Storyteller: Soon he runs to.
1．Diligence is the mother of good luck.
勤勉是好運氣的母親。
2．It is the peculiarity of knowledge that those who really thirst for it always get it.
凡真正渴求知識者必能勝之，這是知識的特性。
3．It is to books that I owe everything that is good in me.
我身上所有優秀的品質都要歸功於書籍。
4．Write it on your heart that every day is the best of the year.
把這銘記在妳心裏：每壹天都是壹年中最好的日子。
5．The three foundations of learning : seeing much , suffering much and studying much .
求學的三個基本條件是：多觀察，多吃苦，多研究。
Two Hearts Beating
Nurse: How do you feel after your operation?
Patient: Quite al-right, only I can feel two hearts beating inside me.
Nurse: No wonder. The doctor who operated on you was looking for his watch everywhere just now.
兩顆心臟在跳動
護士：手術後妳感覺怎麽樣？
病人：很好，只是我感覺到在我體內有兩顆心臟在跳動。
護士：怪不得給妳做手術的大夫剛才在到處找他的手表。
回答者：★水晶寶貝★ - 助理 二級 3-24 22:08
提問者對於答案的評價：
謝謝妳襖
評價已經被關閉 目前有 3 個人評價
好
33% （1） 不好
66% （2）
對最佳答案的評論
還可以``
評論者： 半張紙片 - 助理 三級
其他回答*** 8 條
1、what’s puberty(青春期)
One evening, in the midst of dinner preparation, our 10-year-old daughter asked, "Mommy, what‘s puberty?" My wife was rushed at the moment, so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary, after which they could talk about it.
A few minutes later, Peggy returned. Her mother asked what the dictionary had said. "Puberty means," announced Peggy, "the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children."
"What do you think of that?" my wife asked.
"I‘m not sure," Peggy relied. "I‘ve always been able to bear children. It‘s adults I can‘t bear.".
青春期
壹天晚上，在準備晚飯的時候，我們十歲的女兒問：“媽媽，什麽是青春期？”我的妻子此時正忙得不亦樂乎，所以她建議佩吉到字典上查這個詞，然後她們可以再討論它。
幾分鐘以後，佩吉回來了。她媽媽問字典上怎麽說。
“青春期的意思是，”佩吉宣布：“壹個女孩能忍受孩子的最早年齡。”
“妳怎麽想呢？”我妻子問。
“我不知道，”佩吉回答。“我總能忍受孩子。讓我忍受不了的是大人。
Note: bear children: 生孩子。bear 壹詞也可作“忍受”講。
2、
A little boy asked his mother "Why are you crying?"
壹個男孩問他的媽媽：“ 妳為什麽要哭呢？”
"Because I‘m a woman," she told him.
媽媽說：“因為我是女人啊。”
"I don‘t understand," he said.
男孩說：“我不懂。”
His mum just hugged him and said, "And you never will."
他媽媽抱起他說：“妳永遠不會懂的。”
3、The poor husband
"You can‘t imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
可憐的丈夫
“妳根本無法想象和我妻子打交道是多麽的難，”壹個男人對他的朋友訴苦說，“她問我壹個問題，然後自己回答了，過後又花半個小時跟我解釋為什麽我的答案是錯的。”
4、I Wasn‘t Asleep
When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"
"I wasn‘t asleep," the man answered.
"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."
"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."
我沒有睡著
當壹群婦女上車之後，車上的座位全都被占滿了。售票員註意到壹名男子好象是睡著了，他擔心這個人會坐過站，就用肘輕輕地碰了碰他，說：“先生，醒醒！”
“我沒有睡著。”那個男人回答。
“沒睡著？可是妳眼睛都閉上了呀？”
“我知道，我只是不願意看到在擁擠的車上有女士站在我身邊而已。”
參考資料：
回答者：chq0621 - 副總裁 十級 3-23 23:40
XX:這邊的朋友!Are you ready!?
眾人:Yeah!!!!!!!!!
XX:還有這邊的朋友!Are you radio?!?!
眾人:Yeah!!!!!!!!!
回答者：asdzxcvvv - 助理 三級 3-23 23:40
But the teacher cried
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"
"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"
可是老師哭了
六歲的約翰嬌生慣養。他的父親知道這壹點，可他的祖父母仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的祖母。他想要什麽不是哭，就是鬧。他第壹天上學才離開祖母的懷抱。
約翰放學了，他奶奶在門口接他並問道：“學校怎麽樣？妳過的好嗎？哭了沒有？”
“哭？”約翰問，“不，我沒哭，可老師哭了。”
回答者：蔡武狂儒 - 秀才 二級 3-23 23:47
A Grain of Sand
壹粒沙子
William Blake/威廉.布萊克
To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild fllower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.
從壹粒沙子看到壹個世界，
從壹朵野花看到壹個天堂，
把握在妳手心裏的就是無限，
永恒也就消融於壹個時辰。
Love Your Life
熱愛生活
Henry David Thoreau/享利.大衛.梭羅
However mean your life is,meet it and live it ;do not shun it and call it hard names.
It is not so bad as you are.It looks poorest when you are richest.The fault-finder will find faults in paradise.Love your life,poor as it is.
You may perhaps have some pleasant,thrilling,glorious hourss,even in a poor-house.
The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the alms-house as brightly as from the rich man’s abode;the snow melts before its door as early in the spring.
I do not see but a quiet mind may live as contentedly there,and have as cheering thoughts,as in a palace.
The town’s poor seem to me often to live the most in dependent lives of any